How to Disappear Completely.

I've been in a rather good mood today. But I feel that that might come crashing down on me soon. I hope not.

When the sun goes down it seems that the Depression comes back. It's not very good since I want to be the first Walauskas to be not diagnosed with some kind of depression.

This morning At about 6:30 [I get the bus at 6:45, or so.] I went downstairs with all my belongings and sat on the couch, and began talking to mom.

She asked me yet again what I wanted for X-mas. I wonder when I'll be able to tell her, "Nothing".

When she asked me I remained silent. Which is when she said "You want World Peace?--I can't provide that, Sorry."

I wasn't amused. My mother has very dry humor these days...Or...she always has.

When I had had enough of her pointless guessing [She had asked me in total if I wanted a new camera 5 or 6 times. I like my current one. I kind of wish It had better battery efficiency though.] I had finally said "Murgh..Perhaps a new DDR Mat?"

"What's wrong with the one you have?"

"It folds. DDR mats aren't supposed to fold up like that. The censors get all screwed up."

I haven't played Dance Dance Revolution in almost a year. The last time I played was New Year's eve at Rachel's house. Ironically what I got for Christmas last year--The only thing I got for Christmas Last year, was a DDR Game, With a GodAwful Folding DDR Mat. [I would've hoped with all those years at Circuit City with people wanting to buy separate DDR Mats she would have gotten some kind of Idea.] The last time I played I was amazingly good, and excelling. With that mat, It appears that I'm terrible. It's a mockery to the talent. and I refuse to play DDR with that Mat.

When I finally had enough of my mother's voice I found the clock to read 6:43, I left, not really thinking about what time It was, It takes me five to seven minutes to walk to my bus stop, which is at a fire house that I can see down a long stretch of road. I was walking, casually, enjoying the fact that the weather was warmer [not by much, 30 degrees] but there was no wind, making it enjoyable for me. And next thing I know I see the freaking bus turn around the corner. From where I was I simply went "FUCK. THAT." And had my mom drive me to school.

I didn't mind it as much as I might have. Thank god I was in a decent mood this morning. Or I would've said Fuck it in general and skipped school. And that would have made a bad mood worse.

Once I had gotten to school it felt good to be there [3 minutes earlier] than the buses. Three minutes more time To print out my English assignments that I would have forgot If I hadn't written a note to myself the night before.

The library was quiet with not many occupying it. Well, The usual people. Rachel, again, was talking to that kid who I don't really think too kindly of. I don't even know why he comes to the library.

There are too many people coming to the library in the morning. I don't like it. I want to yell at the ones who have recently migrated there to that table.

First Block English went quite smoothly. Same with second Biology, with the exception of the fact that We had to work on our CLAs, which I do not like. Third was gym. Not bad. Just gym, which I do nothing in anyway and have a 101 because of my phenomenal safety ed score. Oh well.

Fourth was after lunch, as it is everyday. History. Learned about the Atomic Bomb and Hiroshima and Nagasaki and whatnot. Whatever. Then came come. And Now I'm here. Okay. Not bad of a day with the exception that it's only Tuesday..

Back to the DDR thing-

[Point on Point, The only thing I got for Christmas last year I can't even use.]

I never liked X-mas anyway.

Probably never will.



I always felt guilty about it. Every single bit about it.

And my father Making me watch Jesus-related things [back when we had Public Television and a Decent house and a FUCKING FAMILY.] Always made me feel awkward. Back then I knew I didn't want to have much to do with religion.

but now, When I look at my, hrm, 'family' now. I see nothing. It makes that house, that emotionally abusive father, that always absent mother..seem like a good life.

I wish I had it back.

I wish I didn't have to grow up as fast as I did.

Now I bide my time drowning my fears and anxieties in nostalgia, pixels and Music.

I hope you, the reader, never have to go through what I did.