This

Is probably the only blog area on the Internet for me that I can post raw, true opinions that I can't place anywhere else Because I feel that they can harm me if anybody knew about them.
So why do I still post them?
So I can be able to remember my feelings and if They are able to ever be posted publicly, I'll be able to have this place, a safe to crack and share the gems inside that is my brain matter.
For starters, My life sucks. We're poor, mooching off of other people.
and I want out.
If I had the money I had last year, You better believe I'd be out of here in an instant.
The only thing keeping me here is school. I refuse to drop out.
That would just fuck everything up majorly.
But I'd take that chance 30 years ago in my dad's time. He dropped out. And with my intelligence, I would have life made.
Now, it seems college is required if you don't want to end up like my dad, which means dropout is suicide.
okay, are the readers bored enough for me to get into the real reason why I'm writing this?
cool.
I'm no good at this whole 'affection' thing.
I was brought up to eat or be eaten.
shoot to kill.
dog-eat-dog.
Perhaps my dad might have not had the right thing in mind, because now it's all fucked up.
I wish he had taken some time to show me how to care for others, show that they care.
I wish he had not spent so much time telling me of how untrustworthy people were, warning me that one day I'd be totally fucked over if They had ever gotten the better of me.
Causing me to fear people, and hate them.
Hatred is all I know these days. especially after, all that shit from June 2007-September 2008. That really fucked me up.
I have spent the past year and a half or so repairing myself, but I never repaired my ability to love. If I ever had that ability to begin with.
Wish I had it.
Let me make this very clear:
I fear love like an animal fears the fire created by man.
I made a promise to myself a few years back, I would never involve myself with anybody from school. The worst kind of relationship you have with a classmate.
This opinion has been highly unstable within the past few months.
I placed myself as a godlike being because I am a bit smarter than others, and I possess more common sense, I help others, show them things, and hope it benefits them.
I can help everybody-
but myself.
This godlike frame was doing good for me,
until I got distracted. by one.
and he does not even know. good.
the damage he has probably caused to me would make it obvious as to why I believe I hate them.
That and even though I've caught the hints from others, I still doubt. And that scares and angers me.
The kid seems to not be able to let go of his past, still seems to be interested in people who are involved with other people.
My theory is that he's formed a list of interest in his head. and I am on that list--That list shouldn't exist.
His little list seems to be forming checks next to the names who becoming involved with other people.
I can tell you right now My name will never be checked off from his little list, he and myself will hate each other, I've seen it happen many times before[caused of course, by me]
His way of thinking really makes me mad, too. The list and his view on life.
however, My opinion at this time is that I don't know whether I should punch him in the mouth or kiss him there,
<.< >.>
So I've done nothing.
But I've shown that I'd love to curbstomp his spirit.
I've done nothing because he himself has shown no implication of interest. or nothing obvious enough for me to even act upon anything.
I've chosen to simply sit back and watch the show as it plays.
But I'm getting quite sick of watching the same shit over and over.
It's time for a change.
It's not like I've never been alienated from anybody before. If I choose to hate him.
Nothing to lose, everything to earn. If I choose to like him.-
If I even want to try and pursue it.
To do that, I'm gonna need more than the words of others. Obviously.